....huh, wut? What Sarge are u talking about, people? Don't get at all what you're meaning... U:
Welp, long time without writing one of these, but suddenly felt the need to express myself somehow. Maybe ranting a little, perhaps? You see, a whole bunch of folks around me are getting their heart broken lately. Their stories are about treason, disappointment, despair and pain. Lots and lots of pain. I do my best to try to cheer them up, trying to share my experiences with them at some level they can relate to so they could realize there's indeed a life after a heart wreck. Some of them are in a very bad state and has lost everything after chasing mirages and mirrors, or just by realizing they have been living into a lie until now. It's indeed a very shocking experience, and after some booze and cigarettes and shared tales one cannot help but to start realizing that you may also be opening your own healed wounds if you aren't careful enough. It's tricky, trying to get someone out of the swamp without yourself getting drawned into it as well. Have you ever tried to rescue someone that's drowning without proper training? Chances are that both of you will get dead.
As I was saying, it has been quite a experience, as you keep hearing to all these tragic stories you also start to reflecting in your own ones. And then I could see a pattern in all of them. ALL of them. It starts with this girl, whatever her name may be (Sofia, Susana, Liliana...). She's cute enough, has a warm smile that brings calm and solace to your wild heart. She's kind and makes you believe that she actually cares. She's just perfect. And then, just like that, you start to giving her your everything. At first you don't realize it, but after a time it becomes more apparent to people around you guys and then to yourself away. Almost all your actions are directed towards her, to do anything in your power to make her life easier, to save her troubles and at the very end, to get her to notice how much you care, how much she means to you. Of course she's actually aware of it, but since you're doing all this stuff for her and may be actually helping, she can just pretend that she doesn't realize a thing. Every single detail that she gets back to you feeds your hope and encourages you to keep going at her. You're doing it. You're earning yourself a very special place in her heart, aren't you?
Well, you're not. To her, you're just the guy who lift heavy stuff for her, the guy who gives her a ride to school or work everyday, the guy that gives her pretty stuff on her birthday and christmas. But you're not THE guy and no matter how much you lower yourself beneath her, you will never be that guy. Because in first place, you're not treating her as an actual human being at all. You're treating her like this goddess-character that you've made up in your mind all by yourself, this superwoman that will bring you ultimate happiness once you're together. You haven't fall in love with her, but with how good she makes you feel whenever you start daydreaming with this cartoon of hers that lives in your altered imagination.
Now, with time and distance and a very cold head, is pretty easily to realize this pattern exists. But it just takes too little to get dragged into this spiral of crazyness and despair over and over again. The first thing is to realize that your own happiness cannot be brought to you by others. It's already inside you, you only need to find it, even if it's so difficult as well. And then you also need to understand that the "happily ever after..." is b-shit from fairy tales. There's not a thing like endless happiness. Life is not like that. It's also full of sadness, anger, fear, doubt, despair, boredom... It's a full buffet and you gotta deal with what you get at the moment. Even if you get the girl at the end, you both will need to keep working on your relationship everyday. And there's no warranty that everything's always going to be well, and that you guys will be together forever. There may not be a happy ending for many of us out there.
In my lowest, darkest moment, I just pointed a gun to my head, having thought that I have lost everything. That's why I closed my first account in here. But then, I just could see how stupid it was throwing the little I had just like that. That Tom Hanks movie quoted it just perfectly. "Keep breathing. You just have to keep breathing. You never know what the tide will bring tomorrow..." And here I am now. Still working my best day by day to find my happiness, and if not then just traying to stay strong, trying to come out better from anything that life throws at me, whether it's a drug addict dude that wanted to cut my guts or a fucking moron that shooted to the air in New Year's eve and just took my little pinky toe like that... you have to keep moving forward. We wouldn't know joy if we hadn't deal with sadness just before.
Trying to help all these people has also helped myself in some sort of way, since I begin to see that pattern I told you before in some of my actions towards certain people. I'm going to need to deal with that too, and fix it, to prove to myself that I have learned something from the mistakes of the past. We all have been there, dumped and with a broken heart. Let's all try to learn from that, and become smarter for next time. Will probably fall again, that's very likely. But one has to keep trying anyway, over and over again. Keep moving forward. Keep breathing...